Last night’s episode of Jon & Kate Plus Eight was pretty hard to watch. Two people, after 10 years of marriage, deciding to end it. It was heartbreaking, because even though I haven’t been an avid follower of the show, you could see the warning signs. It made my wife and I stop and think about what we’re doing right and what we could do better after 10 years of marriage ourselves.
People have asked me, “What happened between those two?” I’ll offer a humble observation or two:
- No telling how much stress it added to their marriage when every aspect of it was filmed for the world to see. Few people could handle that kind of scrutiny and survive it.
- For the most part, Jon didn’t step up to be the servant-leader God called him to be. And that means ‘giving himself up for his spouse’ the way Christ gave Himself up for the Church.
- Kate was far too much of a usurper of Jon, treating him like a doormat. I visibly jumped on the episode where Kate slapped Jon and told him to ’stop being a victim!’
- Both put their kids as their top priority. At first blush, that sounds right, but it’s not. Otherwise, that priority should have drawn them closer, not further apart.
When a child was born in to a family in Old Testament times, it was not the parents’ task to have their world revolve around their child. When a man and woman married, at that moment, they were a family. Let me say that again – they were already a family, joined to the Lord in a covenant of service to their spouse. Children were a blessing – not a mandate to be called a ‘family’.
But when a child was born, it was the child’s task to see how they fit in to an already established family, not the other way around. The child saw how to serve by how the father served the mother’s needs and the mother responded in kind by taking care of the father’s needs. The child knew they belonged to something bigger than themselves: to their family, then their tribe, then their nation. To put it simply: The Lord was the Sun, the parents, the Earth, and the children, the Moon.
Too many marriages fail today because when a child or two are born, the marriage becomes all about the kids – they become the Sun. And then, the kids grow up and the stresses build, and people divorce while the kids are home, or they kids leave home and the husband and wife can’t remember why they married in the first place, and divorce.
Now, I’m not saying to neglect your kids in order to have a good marriage. What I am saying is we need to understand where a child fits in to our families, and that our spouses need and deserve attention and honor. If you change the planet assignment in a family, and you change the entire family – and not for the better.
Fathers, if your priority is your children alone, and not your wife first, your children ultimately suffer for it, because your daughters are learning what kind of treatment they can expect from their future husbands and your sons are learning how to treat their future wives – as second class citizens in a family unit. Wives, if your priority is your children, and not your husband first, your children suffer for it, because your daughters are learning that husbands are peripheral and not necessary beyond procreation, and sons learn to be peripheral husbands and doormats, rather than partners.
So, when Jon & Kate both say their children were their priority, they might have had good intentions, but they were doomed from the moment they put that as their priority and didn’t do the task of honoring one another first. My prayers go out to them, as they learn to re-evaluate where their family will go from here.
Rather than keep rattling on about this, I offer today’s devotion from the Meyer Minute about marriage, families, and the priorities we need to set:
Hi, Christian here! Opa was grumpy yesterday. Grumpy grandpa. He got sad when he read the newspaper. “It’s official: TV’s Jon and Kate will divorce. The parents of 8-year-old twins and 5-year-old sextuplets announced their separation on Monday night’s episode of their TLC reality show…. Jon and Kate said they keep their home in Wernersville, Pa., and would alternate the days they will stay there with the children.” (USA Today, June 23; D1) “Opa, what does ‘divorce’ mean? ‘Alternate days?’ Why?”
Opa put that paper down and picked up another. Sad face went to scowl. “Matthew McConaughey and his girlfriend, Camila Alves, are expecting another baby. Writes McConaughey: Camila and I are expecting our second child, bringing more life into the world, making more to live for. The future looks bright as the family grows.” (Omaha World Herald, June 23; 2E). “Now what, Opa?” Opa sang, “Will you still need me when I’m 64?”
Then Opa read, “Ryan O’Neal plans to marry Farrah Fawcett, who is struggling to overcome cancer. The 68-year-old actor said…he asked his longtime companion to marry him, and ‘she’s agreed.’ O’Neal said they will tie the knot ‘as soon as she can say yes.’”
“Connor, what’s with Opa?” Connor said, “Ma, Ma! Da, Da!” Then Opa smiled. “That’s right Connor. 16-months old and you understand.”
To subscribe or unsubscribe send any email to daleameyer@aol.com
Copyright © Dale A Meyer 2009
